Work in progress

So, being as exams are finally over and I'll be moving house (again) for the last time (hopefully) I'm considering filling my long summer with blogging! I've used this blog before to do beauty reviews etc. but didn't really feel like it was me. I love make-up but I wouldn't say I'm an expert and I think it's done so well by so many other girls that there really isn't any need for me to.

So, be prepared for me to get my act together sometime soon with a blog re-design!

You do something to me (Topshop)

Trying very very hard to resist the urge to go to Topshop today!
I'm already in my overdraft and loan day is at the beginning of April I think. I have some returns so I know I wont be able to resist purchasing more, its not real money when its returns right?
Just got a few essays back from marking and pleasantly surprised at how well I'm doing (not bragging, promise) considering I'm not putting in half the effort I should be. The problem with doing a reading based course, like my Literature course, is that by the time youre half way through one book its time to start another and I never manage to do all the reading I should. Most of the time essays are about 2 books and I only manage to read 1, if 4 essays are due at once 4 books seems alot more manageable than 8!
I've promised myself that over the summer I'm going to try and get the whole reading list for my final year (eeeek!) done so it wont be as overwhelming during the year to quickly re-read.
The woes of university are almost over for me, 2nd year has a few weeks left then its a long summer of hopefully getting a summer job and having a few holidays, lat year I found it so difficult to get a summer job! I signed up to loads of agencies for temp work, I tried in all the pubs and retail shops near me - nothing! Hopefully I will have more luck this year what with living in a new area.
If not my boyfriend said he will help me out with money, it sounds spoilt but he cant go on holiday and for nice dinners alone can he?

Weight-ing for the weekend

It's finally nearing the end of my week, I go to Uni Monday, Wednesday & Thursday so tomorrow is like my Friday! I'm going out tonight with a friend to TGI Fridays, obviously I'm having everything smothered in Jack Daniels barbeque sauce. I've been on Weight Watchers for a year this month and have lost 2 stones, I still eat naughty food though. What is life without naughty food? I could have lost the remaining 2 stone I need to lose but I'm really not strict enough with myself and I think life is too short to be strict unless you have a serious problem. I still weigh 12 stone (yes I started at 14 omg) but I'm a size 12 and 5'8 so people are quite shocked when I tell them my weight, thats nice to hear!
Weight & body image is something me and my friends disvuss alot. My opinion is that you should be gratefull and happy with what you have, dont compare yourself with others someone else will always have something about them you want. But they probably feel the same way about you! Confidence really does make you a more beautiful person on the outside and makes you feel better than any lipstick or blusher could. I wouldn't say I'm 100% happy (would love skinnier legs, flatter stomach, thicker hair, bluer eyes...) but I'm 99% happy, and that doesn't make you big headed or full of yourself, you NEED to love yourself... You're going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life!

Late Update

Oops. So much for a fresh start.
The truth is I always have alot to write about I just never have the time. I'm constantly publishing short snippets of my life on twitter so why is it so much effort to take half an hour and write a potst? After all I.m not expecting anyone to find this blog amusing or interesting, its just my life.
I have moved house since my last post, I now live in a beautiful village in East Hertfordshire, but my Uni is still in west London. Big problem! Driving 25 miles there and 25 miles back is killing me! However at the moment I feel more than commited to my course (literature) I am so in love with it and cannot believe I've only got a year left until its all over. After that its PGCE though so I can teach, haven't decided on primary or secondary yet though I am leaning towards secondary.
The problems with my boyfriends family are pretty much the same, except now he knows. I can't change who I am but I can't really expect the, to change either so as long as things arent too serious (no engagement rings or house keys yet sob) then they dont really have any control over my life, although I'm sure they would like to!
Currently I am patiently waiting for my student loan at the beginning of April so I can go to Lakeside and raid Zara and their amazing refurbished Topshop!
I would imagine now that Im preparing for exams and trying to read a million books posts from me will be pretty rare but it might help me to vent some of my 'issues' with
Ife in general, I dont moan all the time promise!

Its fine.

My hair isn't thick, its not exactly what I would call thin either. I really find it annoying when people with thick hair complain about it all the time, it takes so long to style...bla bla bla. You love it really, would you want thin hair? No, so shut up. My friend the other day said my hair was thin and I almost killed her. She has a lions mane of blonde curls, everybody knows that curls=thick hair. If your hair is curly it looks thicker and most likely is thicker anyway because of the texture. My hair is poker straight and baby soft so never has volume (naturally, I back comb alot) I have no problem with this and I don't wish I had thicker hair she just really pissed me off. Why spend so long moaning about how you hate your thick hair and then tell me I cant do anything with mine because it's too thin. Its not thin and actually I don't care I like my hair. I feel like people with thick hair look down on people with thinner hair, it's like hairism. Get over it your hair is not all that!

End of rant, I feel better.

What I'm listening to #1

This is a new song from James Morrison's new album 'Awakening'. If you've lost someone important to you then I doubt you will get through this song without crying, James is singing about his Dad who died a short while ago and he said most of the songs on this next album he wrote from the pain of that.

What I did #2

It's my last day at work before going on holiday today and I couldn't be happier, I hate my boss so much. He encapsulates all of the qualities in a human being that I hate. He's unorganised, rude, bossy, snobby, vague, patronising, annoying and self centred. He loves listening to himself talk and will talk over you when he gets bored with what you're saying, he constantly babbles on about his wife and kids to me and then as soon as I open my mouth he says "I'm too busy for this now sorry" Oh but when you were talking about you for half an hour that was fine! He is shocked that I'm using a student loan to pay my tuition because his parents paid for everything for him and he pays for everything for his 2 kids. His 1 and a half year old takes music lessons, please tell me the point of that he can't even speak yet. He gives me the most vague instructions and then when I do things wrong he's all "that's not what I said" and I just sigh and try not to kill him. I'm praying this last hour goes fast so I can just get paid and get out.

I'm starting to panic that my Uni timetable hasn't been published yet, I wish they would hurry up with it I want to know what days I'm doing! I also had a little talk with a good friend about my problems with my boyfriend's family today, she said I'm better off to just keep quiet and let it go because it will just never end, the person you really don't want to fall out with is your boyfriend's mum. I'll try to keep my mouth shut but I'm not promising anything!

What I did #1

Today was a non-work day so I slobbed around, I have no better way to put it than that. I had a gorgeous day in bed eating fruit loaf smothered in butter (toasted obviously) watching Gossip Girl series 1. I read all of the Gossip Girl books when I was at school and I think the tv series is even better, I'm going to take the whole lot of them on holiday with me to watch on my (borrowed) portable dvd player. Sometimes the plane movies just don't cut it and I hate craning my neck to watch it, missing it when I go to the toilet and watching a film that I didn;t actually choose annoys me. I'm planning on taking some Harry Potter dvds and maybe a few others but I'm mainly trying to take long films so the 3 hour journey will fly by!

My posts won't always be as emotional and intense as yesterday's (depressing?) one, but if that's how I feel then I'm not going to paint over it with air about what lipstick I'm wearing. Yesterday I got really pissed off listening to my Boyfriend's family basically saying that University turns you weird and how 'close' they are as a family and just snapped, obviously not at them I'm more composed in front of them. Sometimes I do feel like I'm being over sensitive but most of the time I think it's just them being insensitive.

Faulty Item

Do you ever feel like people look down on people whose parents have split up. I do. My parents have split up, I was 8 and I don't really remember a lot of it only the really bad parts. I remember coming home to a mum with a black eye and a hole in her bedroom door, I remember being taken out of my room because my 'Dad' needed it to store all the stuff that he felt was rightfully his. This included every single picture in the house, the sofas, the television, anything that looked nice. That's not the point, the point is I feel different than those who have parents that are together. I feel more determined to get married to someone I really want, to stand up for myself and to never let anyone walk all over me. I am offended easily but sometimes I really feel like people are looking down on me, I remember a member of my boyfriend's family sitting next to me and saying "It would never have worked with (insert daughter's name) and her boyfriend anyway because he comes from a broken home and she doesn't". Are you fucking kidding me? I sat and said nothing but now I wish I had argued my point, just because your parents split up it doesn't mean you're damaged or broken. Sorry but I have a Step dad and he is the only male role model I've ever had, I wish he was my biological Dad because he does such a better job of it, but even so I must be not as good as someone whose parents are together? No. That's wrong and everyone knows it is. My family are not the most together of people, we don't always see each other and we're not all playing happy familes but we're all happy and we don't think we're better than anyone else.

I was the only person in my year at primary school who had parents going through a divorce and then another girl's parents did the same and I remember the head teacher forcing us together to 'talk' about how we felt. I was 8 years old I had no idea what was going on and in all honesty it didn't really affect me that much, I saw that without my Dad my Mum was so much happier and that's all I wanted, I had always been a Mummy's girl and if she was happy I was. The only way that their divorce affected me was that then I started to see what my Dad was really like, he continued to disappoint me and he still does every day.

Clean Slate

I've thought for some time now that my blog has never really found it's place. It doesn't fit in anywhere and it feels like a version of me at secondary school. I found, at school, that actually it wasn't all in my head I really was different from all those girls, I had no interest in boys or even friends really I just really loved learning. I loved reading and writing and handing in my crisp coursework that was perfectly edited and had been done a week in advance. I was interested in making myself look presentable, more than presentable I loved doing my hair, make-up and pampering myself in the bath every evening after school. The fact that girls knew I was different upset me at first, I would sit puzzled over why the girls would call me 'slut' and 'whore' and would leave me out at school when in fact I'd never even had a boyfriend. But now I see that it's ok to be different and people will accept you for you.

My blog is going in a direction that I don't want it to go in, I feel like I'm trying to write posts that I love reading on my favourite fashion and beauty blogs but only putting in half the effort because it's not really where my passion lies, and in all honesty I'm not good at it. I'm not good at photographing things or describing my outfits or make-up. I am good at writing a diary, writing lists, expressing my feelings and my views are almost always the exact opposite of everyone elses. My friends and family always tell me how opinionated and blunt I am and how well I articulate things so why am I holding back? Why am I worried about what other people think? I understand that maybe I will lose some readers after changing the direction of my blog but I hope that you will all stick with me and my blog, things are about to get a bit more real! I'm going to inject some personality into my blog, with words and feelings and thoughts about real things. Clothes and make-up are taking a back seat, those are not the things I think about before going to sleep at night. So from now on I'm going to treat this blog like a diary, like a vent for all the things I think and feel. It won't always be right, it won't always be pretty but it will be me.