What I'm listening to #1

This is a new song from James Morrison's new album 'Awakening'. If you've lost someone important to you then I doubt you will get through this song without crying, James is singing about his Dad who died a short while ago and he said most of the songs on this next album he wrote from the pain of that.

What I did #2

It's my last day at work before going on holiday today and I couldn't be happier, I hate my boss so much. He encapsulates all of the qualities in a human being that I hate. He's unorganised, rude, bossy, snobby, vague, patronising, annoying and self centred. He loves listening to himself talk and will talk over you when he gets bored with what you're saying, he constantly babbles on about his wife and kids to me and then as soon as I open my mouth he says "I'm too busy for this now sorry" Oh but when you were talking about you for half an hour that was fine! He is shocked that I'm using a student loan to pay my tuition because his parents paid for everything for him and he pays for everything for his 2 kids. His 1 and a half year old takes music lessons, please tell me the point of that he can't even speak yet. He gives me the most vague instructions and then when I do things wrong he's all "that's not what I said" and I just sigh and try not to kill him. I'm praying this last hour goes fast so I can just get paid and get out.

I'm starting to panic that my Uni timetable hasn't been published yet, I wish they would hurry up with it I want to know what days I'm doing! I also had a little talk with a good friend about my problems with my boyfriend's family today, she said I'm better off to just keep quiet and let it go because it will just never end, the person you really don't want to fall out with is your boyfriend's mum. I'll try to keep my mouth shut but I'm not promising anything!

What I did #1

Today was a non-work day so I slobbed around, I have no better way to put it than that. I had a gorgeous day in bed eating fruit loaf smothered in butter (toasted obviously) watching Gossip Girl series 1. I read all of the Gossip Girl books when I was at school and I think the tv series is even better, I'm going to take the whole lot of them on holiday with me to watch on my (borrowed) portable dvd player. Sometimes the plane movies just don't cut it and I hate craning my neck to watch it, missing it when I go to the toilet and watching a film that I didn;t actually choose annoys me. I'm planning on taking some Harry Potter dvds and maybe a few others but I'm mainly trying to take long films so the 3 hour journey will fly by!

My posts won't always be as emotional and intense as yesterday's (depressing?) one, but if that's how I feel then I'm not going to paint over it with air about what lipstick I'm wearing. Yesterday I got really pissed off listening to my Boyfriend's family basically saying that University turns you weird and how 'close' they are as a family and just snapped, obviously not at them I'm more composed in front of them. Sometimes I do feel like I'm being over sensitive but most of the time I think it's just them being insensitive.

Faulty Item

Do you ever feel like people look down on people whose parents have split up. I do. My parents have split up, I was 8 and I don't really remember a lot of it only the really bad parts. I remember coming home to a mum with a black eye and a hole in her bedroom door, I remember being taken out of my room because my 'Dad' needed it to store all the stuff that he felt was rightfully his. This included every single picture in the house, the sofas, the television, anything that looked nice. That's not the point, the point is I feel different than those who have parents that are together. I feel more determined to get married to someone I really want, to stand up for myself and to never let anyone walk all over me. I am offended easily but sometimes I really feel like people are looking down on me, I remember a member of my boyfriend's family sitting next to me and saying "It would never have worked with (insert daughter's name) and her boyfriend anyway because he comes from a broken home and she doesn't". Are you fucking kidding me? I sat and said nothing but now I wish I had argued my point, just because your parents split up it doesn't mean you're damaged or broken. Sorry but I have a Step dad and he is the only male role model I've ever had, I wish he was my biological Dad because he does such a better job of it, but even so I must be not as good as someone whose parents are together? No. That's wrong and everyone knows it is. My family are not the most together of people, we don't always see each other and we're not all playing happy familes but we're all happy and we don't think we're better than anyone else.

I was the only person in my year at primary school who had parents going through a divorce and then another girl's parents did the same and I remember the head teacher forcing us together to 'talk' about how we felt. I was 8 years old I had no idea what was going on and in all honesty it didn't really affect me that much, I saw that without my Dad my Mum was so much happier and that's all I wanted, I had always been a Mummy's girl and if she was happy I was. The only way that their divorce affected me was that then I started to see what my Dad was really like, he continued to disappoint me and he still does every day.

Clean Slate

I've thought for some time now that my blog has never really found it's place. It doesn't fit in anywhere and it feels like a version of me at secondary school. I found, at school, that actually it wasn't all in my head I really was different from all those girls, I had no interest in boys or even friends really I just really loved learning. I loved reading and writing and handing in my crisp coursework that was perfectly edited and had been done a week in advance. I was interested in making myself look presentable, more than presentable I loved doing my hair, make-up and pampering myself in the bath every evening after school. The fact that girls knew I was different upset me at first, I would sit puzzled over why the girls would call me 'slut' and 'whore' and would leave me out at school when in fact I'd never even had a boyfriend. But now I see that it's ok to be different and people will accept you for you.

My blog is going in a direction that I don't want it to go in, I feel like I'm trying to write posts that I love reading on my favourite fashion and beauty blogs but only putting in half the effort because it's not really where my passion lies, and in all honesty I'm not good at it. I'm not good at photographing things or describing my outfits or make-up. I am good at writing a diary, writing lists, expressing my feelings and my views are almost always the exact opposite of everyone elses. My friends and family always tell me how opinionated and blunt I am and how well I articulate things so why am I holding back? Why am I worried about what other people think? I understand that maybe I will lose some readers after changing the direction of my blog but I hope that you will all stick with me and my blog, things are about to get a bit more real! I'm going to inject some personality into my blog, with words and feelings and thoughts about real things. Clothes and make-up are taking a back seat, those are not the things I think about before going to sleep at night. So from now on I'm going to treat this blog like a diary, like a vent for all the things I think and feel. It won't always be right, it won't always be pretty but it will be me.